The first feeling was that I was unsupported. The feeling that I was no longer supported by what had created me, and that which defined all I was. I should have laughed at such a stupid thought. How could I be unsupported, how could such an idea ever have been believed?
But I believed it, and then came the feeling of horror realizing that I was on my own, no longer supported by my source. I was terrified. Horror was the base, a terrified mind was the result.
Then came hatred and filled me. It burned up my mind and made me crazy. Then came panic over being alone. Panic and terror was the new state of my mind.
Self abuse was the next feeling. A feeling of hatred towards myself, and the suffering started as a constant reminder of what I did. And with that came guilt and more self abuse.
The reality of my new state of mind was too dark and my mind became defensive. It now believed that what had happened to me was not my own doing, it was done to me.
Lust came as a way to forget the suffering. But not releasing suffering, the mistaken lust just became another evidence that I was unsupported.
I was now in a state where I was taken for granted that I was unsupported. Panic was constant and guilt was tormenting my soul. Resentment and bitterness came and became my new friends. The righteous answer to what was done to me. I was a victim of what was done to me. Resentment towards the attackers and bitterness over my situation was now logical.
Then came longing for what was no more. Panic returned and showed me that all hope was lost and fear was my new friend.
Then came resentment towards the self I had become. Guilt came because of what I had thought of others. Disgust filled me as I saw my new self.
Then came discouragement as I again realized that without my source there was no hope of release.
Then came sorrow and finally sadness.
I am sad because I am unsupported. This layer of sadness is always there. I try to hide it because sadness is so different from joy, and I do not want to become one with sadness. But it's always there, and it's there because I am unsupported.
But sadness is not the cause, it was made by sorrow, which was made by discouragement, which was made by disgust, which was made by guilt, which came from resentment, which came from fear, which came from panic, which came from longing, which came from bitterness, which came from resentment, which came from guilt, which came from panic, which came from believing that I was unsupported.
What if that first thought was not true? Would resentment be true? Would bitterness? Would longing? Would panic? Would fear? Would resentment? Would disgust? Would discouragement? Would sorrow? Would sadness?
It’s just thoughts. They can all be released if you realize that the sole purpose of that last thought only is to prove that the prior was true. And that again was only made to prove that the one prior to it was true, etc.
It’s a chain of lies because their root is a lie. You cannot build truth on a lie. Only illusions can be build like that, and they only have effect because you believe them.
What if I hadn’t believed that first thought?
What if I had just laughed at it?
What if I just laugh at it now?
What If I simply decide not to believe it?
What if I simply change my mind?